The Opening Salvo

Hello, and thanks for taking the time to check out this blog, which I assure you, has no point whatsoever. This is purely a forum for me to sound off on all the crap that I feel necessary. The title of this blog is pretty self explanatory. It stems from the old saying "opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one, and they usually stink". Well pretty much everything you read on this site will be the opinion of this asshole and I hope that a few more assholes go ahead and throw their opinions into the mix as well.

I've recently decided to change paths in my career. Right now I'm a seller for Clear Channel Radio in Honolulu. My official title is "Account Executive" but that's just a glorified way of saying sales weasel. It's not a bad job by any stretch of the imagination. The hours are very flexible, I'm talking like 4 hour lunch flexible, and the perks are great. I haven't paid full price for a concert ticket in over a year and a half. There's also a good opportunity to make some decent cash too, but that's dependant on how much you're willing to hustle and schmooze. This is wherein my problem lies.

I think as time goes on, I realize more and more that I'm not much of a people person. When I say that, I don't mean that I don't like people in general, just the vast majority of them seem to be completely unbearable. I love my friends, but the more I get to know myself, the more I realize that I need my fucking space on a regular basis. Making small talk with people I don't know is the equivalent of pulling out my toenails with a pair of needle nose pliers one by one and then dancing on the Bonneville Salt Flats in open toed heels for 8 hours. I fucking hate it, almost as much as I hate Brett Favre. (More on that later)

So, I've decided to pursue a career in which I can exercise my strongest ability, that of the written word, and not really ever have to talk to people. If I can figure out a way to get paid for this kind of thing, I'll be a happy man. I suppose this blog is going to be the purest form of what it is I really want to do. I mean, who wouldn't want to get paid to write about their opinions on whatever the hell they want to talk about? Sounds like a dream job of mythical proportions, but if fucking Duane "The Dog" Chapmann can write a New York Times Best Seller about his ridiculous life, then I should be able to scrape out a few thousand dollars a month.

I guess that will be my first topic of (one sided)conversation, the state of this absurd society we live in. I'm going to steal a line from the comedian Lewis Black when I say that if you take account of everything that's going on in the world, from the very small view of your very own family, to the big broad view of the entire globe, and you think about all the crazy-ass shit that's going on every single day just long enough, blood can and will come shooting out of your nose.

If you've never seen the movie "Idiocracy", then I highly recommend you Netflix it or go down to the video store and pick it up. The concept is that a very average army soldier (Luke Wilson) volunteers to test the equivalent of a cryogenic freezing chamber. Well, they forget about him for 500 years, long after the program is scrapped because the commanding officer gets into the pimp game with his new associate "Upgrayedd". (This is a comedy) When he finally awakens, he finds a world that is so degenerated he ultimately is found to be the smartest man in the world. The reasoning behind the de-evolution of society is actually pretty sound. The theory is that stupid people are reproducing at a much more rapid rate than that of intelligent people.

If you disagree with this assumption, than I encourage you to go to the nearest high school, seek out all the pregnant teenage girls, and then check their grades prior to getting knocked up. Not too many honor roll students are there?

So, with the world populated largely by the stupidest people amongst us, corporate marketing and strategy has produced a society that is more closely akin to cattle than human beings. As I said before, this movie is a comedy, but when you think about the plausibility of the future looking this way, it can become almost terrifying. If you turn on the radio, TV, or go to the movies, you're going to be bombarded by what I call "the lowest common denominator" messages. These are designed to appeal to the lowest intelligence level group of people that could conceivably be listening or watching at that very moment. This is the prime reason I lost the ability to watch MTV by about age 19. MTV is the biggest perpetrator of mind-numbing schlock the world has ever seen. The images that they portray to America's youth about what is cool and what is acceptable behavior is almost a personal affront to my senses in every way. Because of MTV, I have to deal with thugged out white boys wearing baggy jeans and Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses with their faux platinum chain worn outside of the shirt, on a regular basis. To make matters worse, these fucking posers are working their way into the professional world now, and in some cases, as a salesperson, I've got to appeal to their senses in a way that makes me feel dirtier than a Tijuana street worker. Evolution wasn't supposed to work this way. By rights, I should be allowed to use my superior intellect to kill this person and rid the world of one more weaker link.

I realize how arrogant this sounds, and I'm really not trying to prove anything by writing this, but I think it bears saying that I would prefer smarter people to dumber people, and I don't think many people would argue with me here. The only problem is, that 90% of the population thinks they are smarter than your average person. This, of course, is not true. My sister sent me a still shot from the movie "The Sixth Sense" once. There was Bruce Willis and that creepy little kid looking at one another, and the kid says in the caption "I see dumb people. Most of them don't even know that they are dumb." To this day, I think this is a really hilarious representation of how a lot of us must feel. I know I do.

To close this thing, let me just say, thanks again for reading, whoever you are and please leave a comment or two if you have something to say. I don't know if anything I wrote hear will even be read, but if it is, please, I beseech you, don't watch MTV.